July 8, 2010

  • Hi........

    I think I have finally figured out what is wrong with me, and why I don't say much anymore...

     

    I fear that, deep inside, I must hate myself.

     

    You see, I love life, and love living it, but I do better when I'm watching life from afar. What I mean by that is that I love watching life happen to those around me, and I love seeing good things happen for them, and I find myself wanting to help them have the best in life.  But when it comes to me, I find myself feeling as if I don't deserve to have much in the way of happiness.  I also have found that lately I don't like to see pics of myself, because I think I can't stand to see myself in them, as in who am I to want to show myself to others???

     

    I think this has been going on for a while, because when I was caught up in my "issues", I think I did what I did so that others could use me for their gain and pleasure, but yet have no desire or concern for me. It must have been a way for me to punish myself.

     

    So many times I want to come back here and participate and talk with you all again, but I keep having this fear that I have nothing worth saying.

    I recently started talking to a lovely young lady that I met here in Xangaland several years ago. I really like talking to her, but I keep getting cold feet because I keep thinking that once she sees how flawed I am that she will reject me, like it has happened in the past.

     

    I guess I just need to keep praying. I would ask you all to, but I just can't get myself to ask.

     

    But thank you for listening.

     

    For what it's worth, I still love you all.

     

    -Richard.

Comments (8)

  • That my friend is the real heart of the "issue" or "struggle" if you prefer. Gee it took me 20 years to learn this one. The good news is God has taken all of your real or perceived worthlessness, and placed it on Jesus. God then took all the value of Jesus and placed it upon you. You don't set your own value, God does that, if you will receive it, that is. Let God give you the value of Jesus and allow the worth He gives you to take ownership of you. Let God decide what is worthwhile. What you and I think is worthy isn't at all worthy in God's eyes. Let God restore in you His image and likeness. You don't have to settle for what you think about you.

    I think this may be the best thing you've ever written here. This is quite exceptional, Richard, and with God the exceptional can continue for you. All you have to do is receive it, let God fill you with His love, and love through you, and you'll begin to see what His worth is...well, worth!

    God bless you brother!!

  • God looks on those who are humble & contrite in heart and seats them in the heavenly places with Him. Ask God to help you see yourself through Christ's eyes; the devil wants to keep us bound up and believing lies (after all, he is a liar & the father of lies). Jesus is unashamed of you and you are accepted in the Beloved (Heb. 2:11, Eph. 1:6). It's true that none of us deserve anything from God except condemnation, but for those of us who are in Christ, He is loving, merciful and gracious to us for Jesus' sake. He rejoices over us w/ singing and He wants our joy to be full in Him. Zeph. 3:14-20, Psalm 16.

    Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in Spirit." His blessing has come upon all who have seen they are unworthy and undeserving and are trusting in Him alone. He freely pours out blessing for cursing, gladness for mourning, beauty for ashes, etc.

    Numbers 6:24-26. Romans 15:13.

  • Always good to hear from you, Richard.  Just be yourself.  Life is much easier that way.  Much love to you, brother.

  • I already said my peace on FB... But I just want you to remember.. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!! God wants you to be happy!! Every single one of us has issues and is afraid of rejection. You are not alone. You do not deserve to be punished. Jesus took any punishment we may have deserved and nailed it to the cross. I had to learn that myself with my own issues of self-hatred and self-harm. God helped me through that, and is still working on me... and God can help you through this, too, if you let Him. You just have to let Him! Ask and you shall receive. God wants to give you good gifts! I'll be praying for you.

  • Oops. This isn't the account I meant to use. Oh well. You should know who this is.

  • Ok, I have got to say this: I know you pretty well and I don't think you're that bad at all! Trust me, we're all flawed. Look at me. :)  But you know what? Those "flaws" have helped make you the amazing man of God that I know and love. I am so proud to call you my brother!!! I know it seems like sometimes life is passing you by, I just think you may need to get outa T-Town. I hear Florida, Pennsylvania and Lansing MI are nice! (personally I vote Lansing!) Anyhow, You know I love you and think you're the most rockin awesome Richard EVER!! Keep your chin up!

    Hugs!!

    Crystal <3

  • Hey Richard, I concur with everyone above.  Just be yourself.  Your Xanga friends love you, too.  I am not here too much lately, but I do enjoy my friends.  I hope you have a good summer!

  • I would have to agree with lady crystal on that.....we are all flawed.   We all at one point deem ourselves worthless.    I for one know that personally.  

    I do appreciate seeing your posts on here.   I know I don't write much on here. 

    With much love,

    embraceurgrace1

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