July 17, 2007

• Why I Am Seemingly "Searching For Myself"...

  Tonight finds me sitting here at my humble computer battling a head cold, and reflecting back over my life, and wondering about the different aspects of it. In other words, how would my life had turned out if I had made different decisions, took different paths, chose to have other interests.

  It goes without saying that there are certain things that I wish I had done differently. I wish that I hadn't been so timid growing up, and had tried to be more outgoing, and explored more of what life had to offer, meaning all the good things. I wish I wasn't so afraid of school, that there weren't so many teachers that didn't like me and perceived me a weak, perhaps then I would have mastered things like algebra, and could have went on and gotten that college degree that I wanted. Maybe if I had friends and counselors in school that would have encouraged me to try out for things and get involved then maybe I would have better understood what it meant to be disciplined and determined, and found ways to be popular, or at least better liked. Maybe if some Christian leaders had offered to reach out and show genuine concern for me when they learned of my various struggles, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here tonight pouring my heart out to all of you, people that I consider my closest and dearest friends and family.

  But I am determined to not make this a "pity party" for myself. I guess if anything  I just needed to sit here and bring to surface the rest of the "stuff" that I keep hidden deep inside so that I can continue to find the healing that I need.

  You know, I felt the need to take on the role of "older brother" here, the "tweener" if you would, and I have enjoyed every moment of it. but sometimes I can't help but wonder if here, at thirty-two years of age, have I found myself in an awkward position where no one fees as if they can relate, or I am having trouble relating back???  I would like to think that I do okay relating to many of you, and I can only pray that you know that my love and friendship is pure and true.

  Danny, Jonathan and TM, I truly hope that you know that your friendship means the world to me. When we were together, I hope I was able to convey that to each of you, though deep down inside I just wanted to hug you collectively for the longest time and just love you like the brothers and sister that you have become to me. Truth be told, while standing there on that street before we said goodbye to Danny, I was really fighting hard to hold back the tears, because I didn't want that day to end.

  To the rest of you, I pray that the day comes when we can all meet, because I want to have that kind of day with each of you too.

  You see, this is why I try so hard to keep the lines of communication open between us, because I believe that we have something really special here, this friendship of ours, and I don't ever want any of us to lose it.

  Now, I have to figure out how I am going to tie all of this together!!!

  I guess that what all of this means, at least to me is that I have learned a lot in all my years, and though it would appear that I have problems, I really don't, because you see, I have my Heavenly Father to rely on and He gladly takes my burdens and problems, and makes them His own, and that just overwhelms me!!!  I could ask why He didn't allow for me to attend some big university somewhere, but He knew that I might not have made it there. I sometimes wonder why I am stuck in the corner of nowhere, but I realize that if I weren't here, I would have most likely given in to my SSA in the city and, well, who knows...

  So I am going to praise God right here where I am. I'm going to praise Him for the good things I have, for my family that loves me, for the few possessions He has given me, and for my precious friends, namely You!!! I guess that it's at this point that I am secretly hoping that a bunch of you will stop by leave some love for me, because well, truth be told, I am only human, and though I LOVE giving out love, sometimes I really need it too...

  If you all could, please keep me in prayer, that I will get over my bug, at least by the weekend, because on Saturday, I'm hoping to, in a sense, continue....

  The Xanga Summer Tour!!!

  You see, my  xanga friend Melinda, who lives in the opposite corner of the state from me in Kalamazoo, has asked me to come down on Saturday and help her celebrate her birthday with some friends, and I'm hoping that I can, followed by a quick run to Ypsilanti for church on Sunday, and then back home again.

  But What Comes After The Tour???

  Ah yes, that's a good question, because this was pretty much the highlight of the year for me. Well, I have decided that I'm not going to worry too much about my so called "career" at the CU. I am going to begin to pray about looking for other opportunities elsewhere, and be willing to go where ever God might lead. Not too awful long ago, I was afraid to venture out too far, because I was afraid of falling in my struggle, but, courtesy of all of you, and by the grace of God, I believe that I can do it, and succeed!!!  I'm not going to give up in my quest of completing my schooling for ministry, because I still believe that we serve a mighty God, and if He wants to use me, even though I still have a hard time seeing how, He will use me,if I am willing to be used. And speaking of that, please pray for me, that I will have a greater zeal and desire to get more into the Word, and hunger for it more, so that I can be found faithful.

  Well, that's all I have for tonight. It's funny, but whenever I am sick, it's then that my mind seems to go into overdrive and a flood of thoughts and emotions burst forth, and well, entries like this come along!!!

  Always remember, that I love each of you dearly, and I always will.

  And thank you, for allowing me to totally be myself, the real me, in this, my search, for myself!!!

  Love,

  -Richard,

  -your big brother.

  • 10:13 pm
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